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Monday, November 19th, 2007
1:10 pm - ick factor x 10

Sorry for a cross post if you're on my friends list but this was just too bad not to share.

Was working last week and this guy in his 60's is sitting at the bar and says to me 'Have you been to Burning Man?'. I'm used to this and figure when I say 'yes' his response is going to be 'So what's that like?'. But no...he says 'I go too. Every year out there I overdose (pause) on Viagra. (pause) Last year I got carple tunnel'.

EWE!!! What the hell? Do I have something on my forehead that says 'I Care'?

current mood: grossed out

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Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
3:13 am - Rock it like hypnotised chickens!

Hi there everyone!

New to this community. Tell you the truth, I never thought of looking for fellow bar workers. I am very glad I have and also very much looking forward to meeting people.

I have been doing bar work for ten years now. I currently work the bar at this dirty, trashy, psy trance pub called Ace Morning and man, dont ya just love our job!

Each night we work out signals (Bar partners come and go) for what drinks we would like to drink next. But as always, it's the same signal for the Jager bombs, grab you hat and tap it.

So what type of bars do you guys like? I love the black rocking pubs where all you can see is character and passion for life. I just love toasting to the crowd and skulling a lovely hot drink while watching others look in amazement.

Poor poor non bartender people. They will never understand the fun we have.

I hope your jobs are as good as mine and always rock your bar.

Make it your bar guys!

Keep it real.

Sky xox

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Monday, February 5th, 2007
12:00 am - would you like guys with that?

man, the men were extra creepy during my last shift. once the liquid courage takes over, you get used to the random comments, but i actually began to feel a little unsafe. more than one dude asked me what time i got off work and where i lived. what is with the variety of joe who is incapable of detecting the tried and true social clues? you know, the eye dart or the seriously focused wiping down of the bar. even the straightforward, "so, you buyin' a drink or not?" didn't eject that one until i was saved by new customers.

i know that drink slinging is a "flirting" industry in many ways, but i prefer to be friendly with boundaries. it's a job. i'm there to make tips--not friends and definitely not boyfriends.

note to self: have your "bar" name ready! i made the mistake of giving out my real name, and it's just, well, not a good idea. more and more, i feel like i have to remind the male customers that it's a bar and not a strip club. you can throw tens at me all night; you're still not going to get any. (please note that i have made the distinction between a compliment, "hey, you're cute/pretty," "i like your outfit," and/or "damn, girl!" i'm talking about the sleazy once-overers. ladies, you know who i'm talkin' about.)

that said, i love the bar that i work at. the guards will walk me all the way to my car if i ask them, and they always make me feel really safe and taken care of. thanks, peeps.

be good. be smart. be safe.

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Saturday, April 8th, 2006
8:21 am

Tired of the stress and the bullets

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Monday, December 12th, 2005
6:08 pm - ez5 not so easy

so i quit that ez5 bar. final--effin'--ly. it's run by an asian husband and wife couple. the guy was pretty cool. mellow like me. but the wife was driving me totally nuts. one of those people who isn't happy until her bad mood's rubbed off onto you. for the last two months within five minutes she'd bitched at me about something totally irrational. i knew it wasn't going to work out when i actually yelled at the husband  in front of all the customers. i'd totally had it. in general, i don't think that's a cool thing to do. but for me personally--the silent sufferer--i think it's a sign of personal growth.

not only was the wife ridiculously critical, but some of their policies were just, well, wack. for instance, they don't allow their bartenders to give out free drinks. ever. someone can tip you fivers all night, and you can't throw a shot at 'em. lame. plus, they watch you like a freakin' hawk and are always on you about your pour counts. why don't they just get meters? or robot bartenders? robarts. nice. anyway, the other ridiculous thing there is that they don't promote. they expect their bartenders to have followings, which would be reasonable if they hired full-time bartenders, which they don't. they don't even hire part-time bartenders. they hire bartenders to come in for one or two nights per week. no on-call bartender is going to have a following unless they've been a full-time bartender at some point.

and, even though they're a tiny bar, they hire a cocktail waitress to walk the three feet from the bar to get customer orders. lamer. that just means that nobody leaves with a decent amount of $.

then there's the rumor i heard that they expect their bartenders to come in during their off hours and buy the customers drinks out of their own pay--to create regulars. now they're just smokin' crack.

the wife became so bossy, dissmissive and rude to me that i actually started thinkin' maybe it was slightly, i don't even want to say it, but racisty. it was like "let's boss around the white girl" time or something. the other, asian bartender never got the brunt as bad as me. though, to be fair, she was getting fed up too. the morale was below freezing.

anyway, at least i still have my favorite place to bartend anyway: the dna. in fact, comparing everything to the dna made my decision clear. working somewhere that trusts you makes all the difference. especially when i know i'm trustworthy.

all in all, i don't hate them or anything. i actually want them to succeed. i just think they're going about it the wrong way. oh well. not my prob anymore.

i'll prolly still have to find another gig in addition to the dna, though...

so, shifts? got any shifts? shifts for the poor? ;)

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Sunday, August 28th, 2005
10:10 pm - Hammerfall tips

Curious...does every metal head not know how to tip? Or is it a cultural thing? Surely some of these folks have worked in the service industry. Do they just not make the connection? As a purely sociological study, I have sat at the end of the bar for the past couple of hours and watched drink after drink poured, without tip at the end. I see the $$ in their wallets, yet it does not pass to the person who provided their drink. Why is this?

As part of my study, I have also determined that they can be shamed into tipping. This shows that they are at least familiar with the custom. So, why does it not come automatically?

current mood: happy

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Friday, October 8th, 2004
4:19 pm - Bouncer stories?

Hey Gang.
November is approaching, and this year I will be attacking a new novel (I write 50,000 word novels in 30 Days as part of a challenge. Ask me about it if you want to know more).
And after years of working security, and bugging some of you for your on the job stories, I’m finally sitting down to write “The Great American Security” novel in earnest.

Wanna help?

Send me a good story or two.
Oh, I’ll still probably show up at your work to bug you for free beer and to see if you’ve got anything to say, but just in case, I thought I’d ask this way too. Especially if you can’t get me free beer you bastard.


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Monday, July 12th, 2004
11:15 am - Gin and Patronic

On Saturday night this guy ordered a gin and tonic, typical enough. When I asked him what kind of gin he wanted, he replied, "Patron." I had an inside laugh attack but managed to keep it together long enough to say, "Um, Patron is tequila.... Do you want Bombay...Tanqueray...(a dictionary...)?

Tee hee hee,

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Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
2:10 am - Affliction

at DNA on Thursday. I will be practicing my bartending skills.
13 hours of sheer unalduterated boredom on Tuesday's Video shoot. How many times can you explain to an actor in a low budget indie film that just cause hes an "actor" doesn't mean he gets to bring in his own liquor from outside. Then, after he snuck it in later, he had the audacity to ask me where I put his six pack of beer?
(I had very stealthily, no small task at 6'6" 300lbs, followed him into the club until he put his bag down, then I took the beer and trashed it.)

"I'm sorry sir, I thought I made it very clear that you could not bring outside containers into the club. You assured me that you would put the six-pack in your car. Are you now telling me that you lied and brought that same six pack into the establishment after I specifically asked you not to?"

"Uhhhhhhh..... never mind"

Shouldn't an actor be able to lie convincingly on the spot?

current mood: calm

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Thursday, May 6th, 2004
5:49 am

Time to Break Out the Bullet Proof Vests....

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Monday, May 3rd, 2004
11:17 am

Tale from Lift on Saturday.
(That's Asian Party Puke fest, for those not in-the-know...)

I was Bar-Backing that night, finally getting to shine at the main bar (which I did, evidently,according to the Bartenders).While I am a Floor_Gnome,I was technically a Barback Gnome Saturday night.

***Highlights from the Night***

Alexis (Bartender) points at a girl hanging over a garbage can and says 'She needs to go,Ron!' I rush ot the back door, tell the Back-Door-Troll to call bacongnome/mattgnome that we have a 'situation' at the main bar/atm garbage can and proceed to look for a Troll for an escort.

Myster-C-Troll walks out, I (reluctantly, since he is one of my fave trolls, but werk is werk) ask if he is busy. He says that he was about to give the Front-Door-Troll (Rex-Troll)a break, but What-do-I-need? I tell him the we have a puker and she needs to go out.
Myster-C-Troll frowns and sighs an 'ok'.
Just then, Jungar-Troll exits, smiley and asks 'What's wrong?' Since I am usually busy whirling like a blue-haired Dervish behind the bar at Lift, slinging beer and pouring Hennessey into silly folks with no ragard for booze to body weight ratios as oppossed to being outside with 2 security guards listening to a story, Jungar had made the obvious assumption that there was a problem.. I say 'we have a puker, main bar'. Jungar says 'Oh, I'm on it, show me where she is'. (It's never a he at Lift...NEVER).
Myster-C-Troll smiles and says 'Cool, I was about to give Rex(troll) a break anyways.'
Jungar-Troll was pretty anxious to get her out, as he has done the gnome thing himself in the past and away he went.

Back inside, I tell Alexis that there are Gnomes and trolls on the way.
Jungar arrives, guided by my flashlight from the inside of the Bar-Battlements. It looked as if the girl (and her 3 equally drunk friends) were arguing a bit, but he got them out and the Gnomes went to werk on the mess.


Other than the main bar, I also backed for the Satellite bar, or (as I prefer to call it), the Belly-Gunner. Like it's namesake from WWII era planes, the Belly-Gunner position isn't a highly desired one, being cut off from the main supply lines and all (It is a small bar that we construct just for Lift). The Belly-Gunner for the evening was a bar-Elf named Fionne (I am probably getting his name's spelling wrong)and he enlightened me on a point that all Gnomes who work Lift should know...

The Horrible Secret...

It seems that Fionne talked to some customers about why they slam so much booze and he was told that there is a game in asian club-goer circles where a group of asian girls have a contest to see who can drink the most Remy shots without puking...
I'm not sure what sort of prize one wins by doing this, but the Gnomes have officially declared War. Look out Pukey-Asian-Girls...we will defeat you!!!
(Buy War-Bonds today!!!)

Fionne had a fight at his bar, with drunk idiots slamming each other around, though the trolls responded quickly and got the fools outside.There was protest, but to no avail.
Really folks...the average size of a Lift patron is around 100 pounds for the girls and maybe 150-160 for the guys, if that. We now have a Samoan, a Tongan, 2 very large gentlemen of an african american descent and some big white boys as well.
A very cosmopolitan group of Gentelmen-Trolls, all-in-all.
Do not make them angry...


Alexis surmised that he was responsible for 3 of the pukings, while one of my other bartenders (Chris) had one confirmed, although she told him that she made it to the bathroom (as if we want folka coming to the bar and telling us such things...)


I was running from upstairs (with a quartet of Hennessey bottles, since the barbarians had drank the dozen that were at my bar) and I stepped out and SLID in something wet and smelling of acrid garlic...Now, I don't need to tell you what it was.
Well, maybe I do...it was something like a 10' vomit slick. bacongnome was near and we tracked down the culprit (Suprise, a little asian girl puking on the floor, trying to get to a garbage can. When I left, they were all pleading with Bacongnome and a troll. Bacongnoe did not look amused, and he is a very 0-Tolerence Gnome when it comes to tossing pukeygirls. She was ejected, forthwith, I assume (I ran off back to my bar...).

OK, Get ready, for the take if the 2 Gnomes is surely coming soon.

Teaser: What is warm, stinky and sometimes drips off of a balcony onto 2 unsuspecting Gnomes...
In other news:I Gained a Level in Bar-Back-Gnome. I am now a Level 4 Bar-Back-Gnome! Woohoo for me!

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Friday, April 30th, 2004
5:06 pm - Ron here, Bar-Back Story,Star Date 23543-5.

We were battling the unwashed masses last night at the Genitorturers show, and one of band members from the opening act (or some other tattoo-covered, pierced metal-ish guy who looked just like him) approached the bar.

Shawn (the closest Bartender)was busy, so I asked what the guy wanted.
The exchange went something like this...

Me:What'll ya have?
Guy:Sierra...and a Jose Cuervo...Naked.
Me: :|
Me:O, Sierra pale ale and a cuervo.
Guy:Jose Cuervo...Naked.
Me: :|
(I turn to Shawn, who is finishing up with the other customer)
Me:Shawn, this guy wants a jose Cuervo...naked. What does that mean?
Shawn: I dunno...
(Shawn walks over to guy)
Guy:Sierra (I had poured this at this point)...and a Jose Cuervo Naked.
Shawn: :|
Me: :|
Shawn:Naked? What's that mean?
Guy:In a shot glass.
(As oppossed to....er :| )
Shawn gets him the drink.

throughout the night, that guy would return 5, maybe 6 times and order the same thing. Even though we knew what he wanted, we kept asking him 'Whatilyehave? just to hear him ask for a Jose Cuervo-Naked. I told Shawn that I wanted to run back and get some paper to make a little dress for the shotglass, since don't think that we can have full nudity with booze (ESPECIALLY fully naked booze...what kind of place does that guy think this is!?!).
It was pretty funny to see Shawn's stone 'game face' when asking the guy, only to have him break into snickers when he turned around to get the Jose. The guy didn't even think it odd that two guys were getting his Cuervo, though he might have caught a glimpse of us snickering.

It reminded me of Angela's guy who kept asking for 'Grey Goose & Vodka' instead of & cran.

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12:55 pm - changes afoot

Okay, clearly I'm not holding up my end of the bargain here.

To that end, I am going to open posting on B_R_B to the unwashed masses (that's you!). While I'd love this to stay oriented toward the staff experience - particularly bartenders' - I think anything bar-related goes.

I'll stay on as moderator, and if it totally descends into suckville I'll change it back, or figure out something else.

OK - go!

current mood: what the hell!

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Saturday, April 10th, 2004
7:27 pm - wherein i display my ignorance and lack of respect of modern pr0n

(enter white guy, medium height, short dark gelled hair, white shirt partially unbuttoned; just the kind of GQ attractiveness that completely fails to interest me.)

him: I'll have a bottle of water.
me: Three dollars please.
him: I work for Vivid.
me: ... okay...?
him: Vivid Video?
me: ...
him: You don't know what Vivid Video is??
me: Nope.
him: We do porn!
me: ... okay...?
him: (stares)
me: Three dollars please.
him: (stares)
me: (raises eyebrow, translates to, "well?")
me: (adds scowl to eyebrow, translates to, "what the fuck is wrong with you?")
me: I really couldn't care less that you work for a porn company, mister.

(exit white guy. four feet along the bar, stops in front of two girls)

him: I work for Vivid!
girls: Oooh!
him: That bartender tried to charge me for my water! Can you believe that?

Of course I only later thought of all kinds of smart-ass fluffer comments. Next time.

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Sunday, March 28th, 2004
3:45 am

I've decided this job needs an air-traffic control type schedule, on a larger scale. Too bad about that "no paid vacation."

But how can I hate on my job when customers bring me gifts? Tonite I got a shirt from one of my regulars and a CD from the DJ. The shirt says "Bored to death" and is a skull and crossbones made of a crossword puzzle. Perfect! He said, "I saw this and thought of you standing there at 4:30 a.m. on Friday night..."

I got the CD in exchange for totally annihilating the DJ with Johnny Walker. In fact, he was supposed to do the last set and couldn't do it! This may be my new strategy for going home early.
Check out this awsome track list:

P.M. Dawn
Milli Vanilli Medley
Color Me Badd...

Milli Vanilli Medley is going to be so awesome, I can't wait.

current mood: calm

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Sunday, February 15th, 2004
2:22 pm - VD fun

[oops. I was trying something and it totally failed. The many comments will seem to have no context because i am an idiot. What used to be here was a story where i complained about a girl - not so much because she didn't tip, but because when I handed back her change as five ones and whatever else, it was very busy and she demanded that I take the five ones and give her a five dollar bill. I found this extremely annoying, for a number of reasons; she's advertising the fact that she has no intention of tipping me, she's interrupting other customers (and my other opportunities to make money), and christ, is it such an inconvenience to have four more pieces of paper in your wallet? It totally feels like a pissing match and when I'm irritated, I'm easily baited by such things. So, the lengthy discussion as to whether or not I'm an asshole, and the pros and cons of tipping are a result of that.]

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Monday, February 9th, 2004
6:24 pm - your turn

Here it is! The one you've been waiting for!
After all my bitching, it's time for you to sound off. What do you hate when you go to a bar? I'm looking for anti-establishment rants here, but complaints against your fellow patrons are also acceptable.

Pls discuss.

current mood: slothic

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Monday, January 26th, 2004
11:49 pm - a related occurance

Another frequent exchange; more amusing, less infuriating.
"What can I getcha?"
"Absolut vodka"
"Absolut vodka"
"Uh, Absolut is vodka"
"...Soooo, you want a shot of Absolut, then?"
"No! Absolut and vodka!"
[repeat as necessary for individual's level of intoxication]

The funny thing about this is, almost without exception what they actually want is an Absolut Red Bull. I don't know what it is about Red Bull that translates to "vodka" (clear and nasty?), but this happens with alarming frequency. I'd guess it happens almost 20% of the time they ask for a call vodka with Red Bull.

current mood: procrastinatory

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4:29 pm - a perfect example of why i'm so anal about "little details"

The correct way to order a mixed drink is by alcohol, then mixer. "Stoli cran." "Jack and ginger." "Gin and tonic." It's one of those bar rules that many people get right by instinct, but the ones who don't seem to have a cellular-level bias against it. It seems to happen most often in two instances: "Cranberry vodka" and "Red Bull vodka."

Cranberry vodka.
Meditate on that a moment. What does that mean to you? It means, "cranberry flavored vodka," as in "vanilla stoli and coke" or "mandarin 7-up," right?

Last week, we got a shipment of cranberry flavored Stoli. It was the special for the night.

MY GOD, what a fucking nightmare. A hundred thousand iterations of:

"What can I getcha?"
"Cranberry vodka"
"You mean vodka cran?"
"Cranberry vodka"
"Do you mean you want the cranberry flavored vodka(point to sign and/or show them the bottle), or you want a vodka cran?"
(looks at me like I'm a fucking idiot) "Cranberry vodka!"

For about half the night I just rolled my eyes and did the translation, pouring them a vodka cran. Then I just couldn't take it anymore and poured them shots of "cranberry vodka" - but on the rocks in the appropriate cup in anticipation of the next move in our little dance: "There's no cranberry juice in this!" That's right, thickskull, there's not. "Oh, see, I asked you several times if you wanted a vodka cran, and you said no, you wanted a cranberry vodka. This is a cranberry vodka. But I can put cranberry juice in it if you'd like."

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe I actually educated anyone with that little exchange. Yet, ever the optimist, I hope against hope that a little progress was made. One guy who witnessed all this transpire said, "I'd like the special please!" He got it for free. Thank you for being observant!

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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
11:16 pm - "The Cask of Armadillo"

Okay, I don't always know what I'm talking about; this we know. But if I'm ordering a drink, man, I at least know how to *pronounce* it. On Friday night a girl ordered, get this, an ARMADILLO SOUR! I'm laughing right now even typing about it, and I did that can’t-breathe-due-to-laughter-weeping thing into my coffee recalling the tale at Boogaloo’s today. (Wait, is that possessive or plural? Boogaloos? Boogaloo’s? M’kay, I’m a biggaloser for not knowing.) What’s even funnier is that she didn’t even exactly utter *armadillo*. It was more like, “Can I have an Armbandanadillo Sour?” Of course she meant to order an Amaretto Sour. I think. Well, that’s what she got anyway.

Then again, who’m I to poke fun? I’m the English major who for years could never accurately recall the title of Poe’s tale “The Cask of Amontillado.” I always called it “The Cask of Amontadillo.” I’m sure my current snobbery will, no doubt, result in some well-timed karma whereupon I refer to it as “The Cask of Armadillo” in front of, you know, Neil Gaiman.

Somebody get me a shot of turquoise with a coat back already!

Char out.

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